A Dog is Not a Goldfish

When people bite

When I first met Minion the pit bull, I dug him right away. I responded to a flyer his fosters had posted in town. There were very nice and at the end of our meeting, I told the woman of the house that I had appreciated her good communication in text and on the phone and thanked them for meeting me. I wanted Minion to become the dog of our house but knew he would be a hard sell to my partner who never had dogs or created much of a bond with them, is small in stature and has a fear of spiders.

Minion is a mid-sized dog, about 50 pounds, in weight not British currency, and solid. He is like a pint-sized football lineman, maybe not the biggest man on the field but can pull his own(er), especially if she weighs 120 pounds, 125 if she’s binged on tres leches cake from Dulce de Leche—which gives a whole knew meaning to the word “leche-rous.”

I had talked Minion up but she had preconceived fears about pit bulls being dangerous because douchebags like former NFL quarterback Michael Vick bred them to be aggressive and sponsored dog fights. My take is that pit bulls are strong dogs and it is important for the human caretaker to step up as the alpha dog. If they don’t and the dog goes Columbine, they can cause more damage than a pint-sized pug that you could probably punt 50 yards through a field goal. If you do step up as the leader of the pack, they can be some of the sweetest dogs around.

LINK: Punting dog scene from "Anchorman"

The fosters went on vacation and Minion was returned to the shelter. We went to see him, me bringing a leash I had from my previous dog “just in case” we would be walking out with him. At the shelter, he pulled and, as my partner said, “gave shade,” a phrase I hadn’t heard since a review I received for a yoga class I taught.

At the beginning of that yoga class, I told the students that I was going to play act and be very mean and critical of everyone and the goal was to keep breathing and not allow anything to affect their calmness and peace of mind. These are Rebel Yogi teachings in a world where most yoga classes are about getting a good workout and putting your hands together at the end of class and pretending that, because you stretched for an hour, you now understand in every fiber of your being that We are all One.

For the most part, when I made my comments like, “This posture works the butt. Martha, your fat ass could use this one!” (I didn’t say that! I used the word “gargantuan” instead.) People would laugh, knowing I was joking and exaggerating. Well, maybe not in the case of Martha, as her ass was the size of a small meatpacking plant and a little glute work wouldn’t kill her. One person came late to class, missing the intro explanatory talk and just thought I was an asshole and wrote a negative review. “He was throwing unnecessary shade.” I throw light, motherfucker. Show up on time and you’d know that! Needless to say, we didn’t leave the shelter with Minion that day.

I arranged another meeting with the fosters and Minion. I told the man of the house that we would not be leaving with Minion but I wanted my partner to see him outside of the asylum of the shelter. He arranged for us to go to their apartment, where he assured me he is pretty mellow and just lays around.

My partner said he did look cute this time, which was already a step up from her “shady” impression of him at the loony bin. At one time I was kneeling and he came up to me and turned around and let me embrace him. The man of the house said, “He likes Satya,” which felt a little to me like a used car salesman telling me, “Think of all the chicks you can bang in that light blue convertible!” as if I couldn’t get laid in a rusty Chevy.

Minion not only acknowledged us this time but started to jump up on us in excitement. My partner was fearful of Minion’s jumping. I was not. I didn’t approve of it but knew I could modify this behavior pretty easily. I was more fearful of her, as without the gatekeepers approval, no dog was entering our home.

When I had studied and trained dogs professionally I not only learned but experienced that most behaviors, including jumping, can be modified if you put in a minimal amount of work. Sometimes the results I got would seem miraculous, like Jesus turning water into wine but more responsible, because I wasn’t like a bartender pushing alcohol on people who already had had too much to drink. Training and observing people with dogs, I saw that the issue was never the dog but always coming from the humans.

“I train humans not dogs because if the human doesn't change, the dog doesn't change. Humans are responsible for the outcome of their dogs.”

—Cesar Millan, The Dog Whisperer

Most dog “parents” violate two of The 10 Commandments of Dog Training (an unpublished book of mine): “Don’t mistake behavior for personality” and “Clear communication is the Key to Any Relationship.” As a result, they do nothing to correct bad behavior, in part because they think that the unwanted behavior is as vital a part of the dog as their heart and eliminating it will be neutering a dog’s personality.

This is like introducing your 5-year old daughter to adult friends of yours and the little girl greets them with, “Fuck you, you fucking fuck!” and instead of you admonishing the daughter, you justify her behavior with, “Oh, that’s just Belinda! She’s a curser.” That’s a behavior that has never been corrected, not who she is. The dog parents would also send different messages with their voice and with their bodies, which is confusing to a dog, like someone telling you, “Yes, you can have the last cookie,” while they shake their head no.

I worked with one couple who had a three-legged dog. The wife felt the dog was made of glass and was constantly sending her own nervous energy to the dog, including directly through the tension with which she held the leash, which a dog will feel and responds to. The husband felt the wife was the problem. Let me just say for now, they were both the problem.

She said walking the dog was difficult for her. I went for a walk with the dog on my own and within 20-seconds the dog was walking like a perfect gentleman, tipping his top hat to passersby and saying, “Good evening”; it was daytime but I didn’t think that was worth correcting. He was wishing people “buenos dîas,” when it was really “buenas noches.” I was just happy he was speaking Spanish.

I helped her on how to make very minimal leash corrections to let the dog know what she wanted of him. How would anyone in our lives know what we want or need if we don’t communicate this to them? “They should just know!” says the woman who wants a psychic boyfriend or husband. How’s that working for you?

She was still nervous and I told her that her dog is picking up on her nervous energy and that, if she wants the dog to relax, she needs to relax. We worked on her breathing and walking with calm confidence regardless of what the dog did.

“Your dog is not only not made of glass but he doesn’t see himself as any different than a four-legged dog. In fact, the missing leg is not even registering in his mind.” As humans, we can be very insecure about how we think we don’t “measure up” to others. A dog doesn’t give a shit, not because of some super dog confidence but because judgment is not in a dog’s lexicon.

One behavior the husband wanted to correct was the dog going nuts when another dog came out of their building’s elevator, which was apparently Grand Central Station for dogs. I said, “Okay, let me see.” The husband had the dog on leash by his side and in no time flat a dog came off the elevator and their dog went cray-cray and barked up a storm. I said, “Let me give it a try.” When the next dog came out, the dog started to exert the barking energy and quickly stopped and sat by my side quietly. How did this happen?

When the dog started barking with the husband, he put his arm around it and rubbed its chest, saying, “There, there. It’s okay.” I know this may be a shock to many of you but dogs do not speak English. They speak Spanish. Forgetting the parlor tricks of what people consider dog training, like “SIT,” “DOWN,” “PAW” and “LICK THE PEANUT BUTTER OFF MY BALLS,” a dog actually “hears” more your body language and energy than your words. The message his dog’s psychology was receiving with his chest rubs was, “Good boy! You’re protecting us!” The dog may have also received the husband’s discomfort from his embarrassment of the situation and that reinforced the idea that, “My pack is nervous and I need to step up!”

When I had the dog, immediately as he started to get excited, I made a very light leash correction that snapped his mind out of the crazy state. The only other thing I did was to quickly push on his butt firmly and make him sit. The message received from me was, “I will protect us if needed, you take a back seat.”

When we got back to the apartment, the dog got its bone, came over to me and plopped himself down at my feet and started chewing on it. The wife was shocked, commenting that they had two dog trainers before me and the results were quite different. One used a shock collar and when they got back to the apartment, the dog seemed scared of him and went as far away from the trainer as he could. They said the second trainer used snacks for everything and the dog just got fat. I used neither fear-inducing tools (although I do think there are viable uses for a shock collar) or food. I just remained calm and assertive and gave minimal cues. The dog was actually very quick in picking up cues! He just hadn’t received clear leadership and communication to know what his dog parents wanted from him.

LINK: "Cool" from West Side Story (1961)

At the fosters’ home, Minion also teethed on my arm. This is biting, light enough not to penetrate the skin but not pleasant in anyway. Different people have different allowances for dogs but I think there is never a time when it’s acceptable for a dog to use its mouth on a human, in play or not, except for licking. Humans are not chew toys and it’s just too potentially dangerous. Again, I knew with a little work I could modify this behavior. Needless to say, Minion didn’t get by the gatekeeper. Her inability to see the possibilities of a well behaved Minion illustrated to me how fear, which is usually mind-created and not real, limits us from really diving into life and relationships.

The next morning I wrote the foster caretakers an offer. I started out thanking them for their kindness and their care for dogs and specifically Minion. As it had already been disclosed that I trained dogs before, I offered to give them a free training session that day. I told them how his jumping up and mouthing really pushed my partner away and that she was not open to adopting him, maybe not even ready for a dog yet, but thought this would still be useful and everyone would benefit from it, including making Minion more adoptable for the next person who shows an interest. The man of the house wrote back, “Thank you but we are okay.”

Some would stop here. I’m not “some.” I not only have explored dog psychology but have also been fascinated by human psychology as well and studied it in order to help me understand what’s “under the hood” in others as well as to better know myself. I wrote back saying that I understood that they just wanted to enjoy his company and my offer could seem like various things that are unappealing: work, a headache, judgment on both them and the dog. I assured them that I didn’t think innocent behaviors or a lack of experience was worthy of any judgment and that the work required consistency but really wouldn’t be that much. I added that I thought Minion was a great dog and that I thought highly of both him and the humans of the house. I also shared my partner’s reaction to Minion’s jumping and teething.

I continued that this training will not only help Minion to be easier to adopt, it would also help prevent a potentially very dangerous situation, where he might mouth someone’s child and the parents would misinterpret this as aggression and have him put down, a euphemism for “have him wacked.” To be clear, I meant having Minion put down, not the child—unless they were Democrats, which support abortion up to 9-years old.

I let them know that my time and energy is valuable to me and my offer was made because I found helping Minion and them of value. I concluded, “‘Still no’ is a perfectly acceptable answer :). I won’t ask again.”

And here is where the teeth were bared. The woman of the house wrote me back, outside of the group text. “In the spirit of giving advice to better oneself, as you seem to be so eager to dish out…” She told me that the man of the house wanted to be taken off the texts and have nothing to do with me, that my messages are “unbelievably condescending,” that she’s found me rude over the last few weeks and that I gave them and the shelter the runaround “at the expense of everyone’s time” (I met them twice about 15-minutes each time and went to the shelter once.)

She said that after deciding that he’s not right for me, I “continue to criticize us” and insinuated that my partner’s lack of interest in Minion was on them and this was “completely inappropriate.” She ended by saying that unless I was going to adopt Minion, they didn’t want to speak with me any further.

As much of an asshole as I apparently am, I am also very sensitive. Two of my buttons are being misunderstood and misrepresented and both these were being pressed and that was not easy for me to read and feel. I didn’t respond right away, as you never respond to someone when you are in pain, otherwise you are likely to cause them unnecessary pain; either that, or write a 10-page run-on missive that nobody wants to receive. After I cleaned and bandaged my wounds, I wrote my reply.

I voiced that I was sorry that they received my messages and interaction as condescending and apologized. “Criticism requires judgment and I don’t think I’m in anyway ‘better’ than you guys.” I told them that I didn’t see the skills I wanted to share with them as anything special, that it was as ordinary as using a hammer, and the fact that I can use a hammer doesn’t make me some expert handyman. I just put in more time and money to learn how to best utilize that hammer. That’s all.

I offered my understanding to their interpretation and reaction to my training offer—which is different than agreement with it—but said I was shocked to hear that she thought I was rude for the past three weeks. I reminded her of me consistently voicing my appreciation and apologized for where I fell short.

I clarified that I didn’t give anyone the “runaround.” I personally try to keep away from a runaround Sue [LINK: Runaround Sue sung by Dion]. I shared more specifics of experiences she wasn’t privy to and my strong feelings for Minion. I reminded her of something I previously shared to her in text, about my visit to the shelter and how my partner was intimidated by Minion and we met the sweet dog Snaggle Tooth and were considering her. I didn’t tell her that when we were in the car and I was championing to my partner that Snaggle Tooth would be the easiest dog for her, that rarely do you see a dog come “out of the gate” that affectionate and well-behaved, that I asked my Higher Wisdom and received, “There is another dog.” I told the woman of the house that I still felt Minion was “my” dog, that I felt a bond to him.

I also gave a couple of nips myself. “When we feel judged we usually feel bad or mad. I find it interesting that often our response is to judge back, the very thing that we voice we find offensive. I’m sorry where my words caused harm. I hope we can all work to cause less harm in this world.”

“Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. While your words following ‘in the spirit of giving advice to better oneself’ make me question the sincerity of those preceding words, whether your intention was to help me grow or give me a slap, I did learn and grow from it. Thank you for that.” I closed wishing them all happiness.

When heard through angry ears, the first part of the message above could be heard as, “Sit in my classroom and let me teach you about human psychology.” The second part could be heard as, “I think your words—and therefore you—are insincere.” Understanding that, I felt these points needed to be shared for awareness sake. If I didn’t shine a spotlight on these things, it would be almost like a tacit acceptance of her interpretation of my actions. I accept her having feelings about what I said and how I behaved but not her judgment nor her pretending to take the higher ground over my perceived judgment of her by judging me.

I did add another text “For inspiration and understanding” that included two links on How to Stop Your Dog from Jumping on People and How to Stop a Puppy Biting both with Cesar Millan, known as The Dog Whisperer, whose understanding of dog psychology was a cornerstone to my effectiveness in training dogs, including my own dog who has since passed away.

When I read the text exchange to my partner, she felt like I should have not responded after the first time he essentially said, “Not interested.” I strongly disagreed. I am not saying that this was the right response for everyone, definitely not how her or my best friend, Owl, who are both very non-confrontational in their approaches towards others would respond. But it was for me.

I am not a dick but direct. And I felt I said everything I wanted to in what I considered a respectful way. I offered the videos for them in order to give them the opportunity to have the ease and lack of pressure to watch them on their own and in their own time, if they so chose. This would allow them to do so without giving me credit, which would be too difficult for most to do towards someone they consider to be a jerk, and probably easier to receive coming from Cesar Millan than from a condescending rude asshole like myself. I thought, if they did watch it, they would see that it is really not that complicated and that I just wanted to help. So maybe in addition to helping Minion, it was also an attempt at helping them understand me and my intentions

Most importantly, I felt I said everything I needed to say and I was empty, in a good way, like after a complete shit where the wipe is so clean that you consider putting the used toilet tissue back on the roller.

These are my take-aways:

-BE MORE MINDFUL of where people are coming from and how my words will be interpreted. I thought all my voiced appreciation and my preemptive acknowledgement that the offer might be interpreted as judgment and that was not my intent was enough but perhaps I could have done better.

-”LESS IS MORE,” as my Dad used to always say. There is no need to overshare certain personal information or thoughts that pop into one’s head with others.

-PEOPLE IN THE REAR-VIEW MIRROR MAY APPEAR NICER THAN THEY ARE. Most people are terrified about showing their Authentic Self and so they will put on what they consider their most acceptable mask. As someone who is generally authentic, I can foolishly think I have developed trust with another prematurely, which can be as disappointing as when this happens in the bedroom—or in my pants before I even enter the bedroom. Let people earn your trust and your intimacy, as in access to your soul. Protect your genitals with contraception and your soul with discernment. We can take more time before we blindly trust another and take them for how they present themselves to us.

VIDEO LINK: Jazz In My Pants by The Lonely Island

-IT IS IMPORTANT TO LET GO OF THE PAST. We don’t always have the opportunity to tell everyone who we felt hurt by how they hurt us. If we do, many receiving your Manifesto of Hurt will not respond like your mind’s fantasy has played it out, where they apologize and then jump off of a bridge. We don’t need to! But we do have to purge the stinky thoughts and beliefs and victimhood, otherwise our minds will soon smell like an animal shelter, no bueno. Maybe this release can come through reflection, forgiveness of the other and ourselves as just playing our parts in the game of life and growth. Whatever it is, holding onto past hurts with the same emotional pain as when it happened is a formula for suffering. And suffering without release stagnates one’s growth. Please be sure to clean up not only after your canine companion but your mental/emotional hurts as well.

-DON’T JUDGE ANOTHER PERSON OR DOG BY THEIR BEHAVIOR. Who We Are is not our behavior. Do your best to look past behaviors and see the being behind them, who may be in pain or uninformed and innocent. If you are expecting a person or dog to change through magic, you have watched one too many Harry Potter movies.

-HAVE “NICE” AS YOUR DEFAULT—even when you feel someone is a dick. Perhaps a dick needs the most kindness of all [INSERT UNZIPPING SOUND HERE]. It’s not about them, it’s about YOU. How do YOU want to be?

In the world of fisticuffs, I competed in Chinese full-contact kickboxing for 7-years and won national titles; I was the captain of our school’s fight team and I’ve taught kickboxing for decades. In the arena of sharp insults, I am a clever fuck and can offer a comeback like a counterpunch to your snappy jab if I choose to. I am a samurai with a sword in a dusty sheath because I’m tired of lopping off heads over stupid shit. People keep trying to pull me back into the head-lopping game. I know they are just doing God’s work, testing me to be the best man I can be. So thank you, motherfuckers. Maybe you can do the same work on yourself.

Speaking from experience, after a while, you’ll look at all the heads mounted on your walls and you won’t remember all the witty barbs you made, just the pain and suffering to which you contributed. I keep those heads on my wall to remind me of the harm I’ve caused and to reinforce my commitment to be a better man than yesterday.

“I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd.”

—Jules from “Pulp Fiction”

REFLECTION:

• Where can you be more sensitive to your audience and mindful of your words? Communication is not just about creating sounds from your mouth like a barking seal.

• Where do you overshare? Why? Perhaps a little more restraint is needed. Do you let people earn your trust or give it away like free hot dogs at a bun convention? This is an issue I’m working on. I’m learning to be a little more reserved before I “throw pearls to swine.”

• How do YOU want to be? Are your reactions to dickheads expressing this? If not, what are you going to do about this?

“Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.”

—Jesus, Mathew 7:6

I don’t entirely agree with Jesus (“Blasphemy, you heathen!”) I give my love to dogs…and that is sacred.

AFTERWORD

Aside from my own dog, Charlie the bull mastiff was the first dog I trained. When I met Charlie, he was bucking and pulling as his human was being dragged behind him. He weighed in at 117 pounds and was a good-looking dog who would attract compliments and all the bitches. His human weighed in at 110 pounds soaking wet. He was out of control on the walks and had some aggression issues, barking fiercely at men and attacking other dogs. I could see he was playing the protector and needed a strong alpha pack leader to let him relax into the good life of being a dog without the heavy responsibility of protecting his pack on his shoulders.

I read a book specifically on Bull Mastiffs to see if I could glean any specific information about the breed. One thing the author said that has always stuck with me is, “If you are not willing to put in the work a dog requires then get a goldfish.”

For a dog to be fully at peace to express itself within the confines of the human environment, it requires more than just feeding and walking it. There is NO SHAME in not knowing what you’re doing. You can learn very easily through free and paid for resources. You can also hire a dog trainer to train not just your dog but, more importantly, to train you. In fact, if they only train your dog and you continue to not reinforce the new learned behaviors, your dog will inevitably revert back to being a wild child.

We place the blame on the dog for their bad behaviors. We need to shift the responsibility to the human, both the dog’s personal caretaker and the community at large to really understand dogs on a deeper level than just a cute eating, licking and shitting machine, that they are animals first with their own animal psychology.

Bad behaviors in dogs are almost always the result of us not feeding their physical and psychological needs. But who wants to do that? “That requires time, energy, money and frustration! I just want to play with my dog. Thank you but I’m okay.”

Charlie’s human said to me, “I was saving for an expensive bag I had my eye on but I rather put the money into Charlie.” How much are your relationships and the peace of mind and joyful expression of the other beings in your life worth to you? I think all of our relationships—including with ourselves—are worth the time, energy, money and devotion they need to grow into their full peace and expression of Self.