An Honest Coat Check

Stop doing what you have to lie about

My cellphone is so critical in memory that I can’t take a single photograph! I usually eat a couple of meals each day and it’s unbearable not to be able to capture in a photograph what I’m eating and share it with my social media feed. So I went to the Verizon store to see if I could get a memory boost of perhaps even a new phone.

In the store, I saw a couple of guys from the gym and they told me how they just got new phones, as there was a great promotion where you could get $750 credit for your current phone towards the latest, greatest iPhone available AND get a free iPad to boot. Dare I say it, I was considering jumping ship from Android to Apple. There was a line of people and I didn’t have time to sort this out before my dog at home would hold in her pee long enough to develop a urinary tract infection, so I left the store and decided I would check out the Verizon store closer to my apartment later. So you don’t lose any sleep, my dog’s urinary tract is intact and remains infection-free.

I went into the Verizon store near my home and talked to a young Indian man whose name sounded like “Coat Check.” Coat Check told me about the phone trade-in and the only reason I didn’t buy it then and there was because I had a Zoom call in under an hour and didn’t want to be rushed as they were transferring my data. “Make sure you transfer all my dick pics. I’ve spend years building that collection and nowadays, short of a blue pill, getting an erection for a good dick pic is like seeing Bigfoot riding on top of a unicorn. And I’ll be damned if I’m going to send a snapshot of my 2” flaccid manhood!” In Terminator fashion, I said, “I’ll be back” and made a note to myself to go to the Walgreens and pick up some blue Skittles.

As I was walking home, I called the Verizon I just left and talked to a woman. I told her I was just in the store, that I was the one with the dog. She said she didn’t remember me. I was like, “Really? This was just 5-minutes ago and there was only one other customer in the store and I was the only one with a dog.” It showed me that most people are sleepwalking through their days, barely present to what’s going on around them.

I told her, “Coat Check didn’t mention to me about the free iPad.” She assured me I would get it. I said, “The only reason he wouldn’t tell me this is either because he fucked up or he saw I was already committed to buying and thought he could make the sale without giving me the iPad.” She assured me that I would get the iPad when I returned to buy the new phone.

When I came back later, I went up to Coat Check. After exchanging a few pleasantries like, “I had some great curry the other day,” and “I always go back and forth whether I like samosas or not. I think if I’m really hungry I like them but if I’m not I’m like, ‘Totally not worth filling me up for,’” I then said, “How come you didn’t tell me earlier about the free iPad with my purchase?”

Coat Check said, “We wait until the end to do that.” It made no fucking sense and while I was still repeating what he said as a question of incredulity, “You wait until the end to do that?” he was already off getting me the phone.

When he returned I said, “Look, I like to clear up things and then move on and forget about them. So we have to clear up this no mention of the iPad. When you told me you don’t present this information until the end of the sale, there would be only two reasons for this. One, that you forgot, which I’m okay with. And two, that you were trying to screw me out of the iPad. So what was the reason?” Coat Check said, “I forgot.”

LINK: "That's all you gotta say" from Armageddon (1998) [:23]

I came right in, as I got my answer and didn’t need any elaboration. “I’m fine with that. That’s all you had to say. What I’m not fine with is some bullshit cover story. Okay, I’m ready to move on.” Coat Check was ready to move on before I even started. He said he was sorry but at this point I didn’t need his apology, as I had already wiped his slate clean.

"See the sad thing about a guy like you is in 50 years you're gonna start doin' some thinkin' on your own and you're gonna come up with the fact that there are two certainties in life. One: don't do that. And two: You dropped a hundred and fifty grand on a fuckin' education you coulda' got for a dollar fifty in late charges at the public library."

—Will in Good Will Hunting (1997)

There are a few lessons here in this diddy, and by “diddy” I’m referring to the story and not the pedophile pervert…

(1) If you know you’re going to lie about an action you take, it’s probably best you don’t do it. Let’s create a scenario where you are fucking around on your monogamous partnership and your partner asks, “Are you fucking around?” and you, in your best gaslighting say, “I am not fucking around. You know, I am so offended you would even think this!”

Now I’m not the Morality Police (whose song Every Breath You Take Sucks The Gaslight Out of Me is my favorite), so I don’t give a rat’s ass if you plan to sleep with someone outside of your relationship. But if you’re a man (or a woman)… One, don’t do that. And two, if you are planning to do this, then have the balls or labia to tell your partner your plans and give them the opportunity to dissolve the relationship if your philandering ways don’t coincide with what they want in a relationship with you. If you lie about it, whether you have balls or labia between your legs, you are a pussy.

Why would you lie? Either you want your cake and eat it too (a phrase which never made any sense to me, I mean, why else would you want your cake—to use as a doorstop?) or, as mentioned above, you’re a pussy. Being a pussy is no way to go through life, unless you’re an actual cat or vagina. You entered into a relationship with a certain understanding. If you want to change the arrangement, you have to have a discussion about this and decide together if the relationship lives or dies, that is, if you have any self-respect or respect for your partner.

(2) Accept that people make mistakes and don’t make them feel bad about them. You can make them aware of their mistakes but don’t rub their noses in it. If my dog shits in the house, I let her know that is not what we do in our house. “Why do you think I make several stops a day to the local Dominican Cafe? Do you think it’s because I am addicted to plantains and mangu? No, it’s because Dominicans clean very well and their bathroom is so spotless you could eat off the toilet seat.” (I usually spend the next 10-minutes defending myself from her accusation that I am stereotyping Dominicans, as her human mother is Dominican). Pushing her nose in the shit is just bullying and abusive.

Why are you so unaccepting that people make mistakes? Don’t you make mistakes too? Do you want people to be rude and condescend to you because you made a mistake? Would that response help you in anyway or turn you into a neurotic who is terrified of ever making a mistake?

(3) If something is going to be carried by you long after it should be dead and buried if you don’t address it, then deal with it then. You don’t have to address ever small trespass; that would be exhausting to you and everyone who has to deal with you. Learn to let go what you can let go. And what you can’t, address succinctly the issue—and don’t add in your character assassination and insult. “Coat Check, you’re a deceitful piece of shit and you add way too much cumin to your curry!” (my dog doesn’t mind me stereotyping Indians so I didn’t look over my shoulder when typing this joke.)

(4) Know Thyself. My personality doesn’t like to leave stones unturned, especially if someone lies to my face. In those cases, I’ll pick up the stone and let them know that in that moment I identify as a Muslim and support stoning people in the 21st Century (no reaction from my dog.) In today’s age, they are usually as scared of “misgendering” my self-proclaimed identity as they are of being stoned. I value Truth as one of the highest principles. Knowing myself, I am more likely to address these offenses of truth. You might be less offended and think, “I don’t give a fuck, I just want my free iPad.” You say tomAYto I say—well, that’s a bad example. I say, “TomAYto” too.

[“GET THIS GREEN STARFISH OFF OF MY FACE!” —classic scene from Tomato Alien]

REFLECTION

• In what situations do you lie? Why is that? Does this show Self-respect? Does this show respect to the other? What are you protecting with your lies? Is that worth dishonoring your word and sacrificing your Self-respect?

• When someone makes a mistake, which attitude in your response dominates: compassion and forgiveness or judgment? If you answered, “Compassion and forgiveness,” please review the first reflection above, you lying sack of shit. How would you like to be treated if you make a mistake? Can you treat others in this way?

• Explore your personality traits so you know your patterns, what you need to bring yourself to peace. In what ways can the patterns/reactions that don’t serve your peace of mind be modified. If that is what you want, what tools or steps would be needed to get to that point? Wishing for change without becoming the change is not a formula for shift yourself into a freer more expanded consciousness.

“If you disrespect anybody that you run into, how in the world do you think anybody's going to respect you?" -Respect Yourself by The Staple Singers (1971)