Apology NOT Accepted

Fuck you and, yes Regis, that's my final answer!

I was zipping along on my electric bicycle on my way home from work. I was on a main two-way road approaching a traffic light which allows cars to enter the road just from my left. The light turned red and an older woman started to cross the road.

I was going to bust through the light, as “fuck the man,” and gave what I considered a wide birth to the woman starting to cross the street. To be clear, yes, she had the right of way. Yes, bicycles are supposed to follow the rules of traffic. Yes, I’m a terror and should be on a Most Wanted poster.

The woman was a little older, not quite geriatric with a Boy Scout on her arm. (While the proper name is Scouting America now due to woke imposition, I knew nobody would know what the hell I meant by that and decided to choose their archived name.) She started speaking angrily.

I stopped my bike and from a distance turned it towards her. I waved and shouted, “I’m sorry.” She continued to rant, not loud enough for me to hear. I called out, “Am I forgiven?” and gave her a thumb’s up with a smile. Still…ring around the collar.

So I rode up to her and said, “Sorry about that.” I felt like I was playing the game where someone tries to keep a straight face and without touching them you try to make them laugh. I was trying to break through her anger, which seemed unabating.

“You nearly hit me!”

“I’m sorry that I surprised you. I did leave a big space between us.”

“Fuck you, you lunatic! Were you raised by wolves?” She didn’t say this but that is what my ears heard.

“I apologized to you. Will you forgive me?” She walked away and I shouted, “I hope you can let that go.” I didn’t mean the stick in her ass but her anger.

When we get startled or disturbed by another, we usually go into Fight or Flight mode, where our instincts take over and either we hightail it away from danger or punch danger in the nose. In today’s world, we tend to not use our fists and usually consider, “I don’t have my proper runners on so I’m not going anywhere,” and instead use our mouths as fists.

I have been amazed how if someone felt I judged them, their response would be to judge me back, the very action that they found reprehensible.

“I’ve trained dogs professionally. Do you want me to show you how to stop that jumping up behavior of your dog?”

“You’re condescending, arrogant and rude. Please leave so I don’t have to look at your gap-toothed, crooked-nosed self anymore.”

“So your answer is no?”

Just today, a social media friend posted in her story the picture above, of what looks like Wonder Woman pulling down her tight bikini bottom and light emanating from her asshole. At the bottom of the picture was a box that said, message, “MESSAGE [friend’s name]” that you could click.

I wrote her and said, “That looks like it’s saying, ‘Contact [friend’s name] for anal’!” It was a joke. She took it as a proposition and proceeded to rip me a new one which included telling me, “…it’s obvious why you don’t have a girlfriend,” and “For starters if I was a prostitute I would think you are fucking cheap.” In my defense, she had sent me a message in the past that said, “HAHA well hope ur still alive during ur asshole fisting” (apparently, she doesn’t use punctuation and is in such a rush that she seeks to save the two seconds it would take if she typed “yo” at the beginning of the word “your”), so I thought asshole humor was fair game.

My response started with, “First off, I’m sorry.” I told her that this was not a proposition but a joke, that I’ve seen her edgy posts and thought since we had jokey communication in the past that she would just laugh and write something clever back (most probably with shortened words and no punctuation).

If you, dear reader, are only focused on, “You nearly hit an old lady on your bike and wrote a girl asking for anal!” you’re missing the anal—dammit, angle!—I’m going for here. If someone feels harmed by you, apologize before explaining, “I was a mile away from you, for fuck’s sake!” or “It wasn’t asking you for anal!” You don’t have to agree with their assessment. You’re apologizing that your actions or words resulted in disturbing the other’s peace of mind.

Second, understand that their initial reaction may come through the Fight or Flight mode and let them express their pain and offer them the comfort of your calm demeanor and understanding eyes. The pinnacle of your disconnect may not be a hug and shared, “I love you”s. That’s not important. Most will probably take flight before that ever happens. But if they stay long enough, your calm compassion will be much more effective than words.

Arguing usually leads to pouring gasoline on the spark of disagreement and igniting it into a bonfire. You want yourself and others to be at peace and come back to peace if you or them fall out of it. Don’t you? You don’t? And I’m the asshole!

“What Tantra is is when you feel like closing off and running away, you stay open and stay present.”

-David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man

REFLECTION

• When you feel “wronged,” do you tend to hold onto anger? What is required for you to come back to peace?

• When you feel “wronged,” do you tend to attack back? How can you avoid adding more fuel to the fire of discontent for both parties?

• Does light shine from your asshole? If so, shine on you crazy diamond!