CONTEXT

Knowing when to speak up and when to shut up

If you heard that someone had said, “You need to get your ass outa here, nigger!” you would most probably conclude this person was a Republican, racist, Nazi, transphobe. If in the next breath someone told you, “That was from Dave Chapelle’s comedy special, you know, the top black comedian?” you might say, “Okay, then he’s just a transphobe.”

“It’s 103 degrees today.”

“Man, that’s hot!”

“It’s actually the lowest July 17 temperature it’s been in a century here in Death Valley.”

The point is, without context, you can’t conclude anything. But most people do just that, whether it is based on some random statistic they heard, what someone else said or drawing conclusions based on their “research” that involves nothing more than reading headlines.

If the agenda is “global warming” then the weatherperson on the news will show you a chart of the United States that is colored all red—regarding temperature and not the overwhelming victories for Trump in counties all across the country. It doesn’t matter to those pushing the agenda that the numbers listed are actually LOWER than the year before on the same date, because they know that the education, media and political systems have trained the population to do zero research, ignore context and let other people they have deemed the “experts” or “authority” do their thinking for them.

The next day there will be a hoard of people definitively declaring that the world is heating up and calling others “global warming deniers” because, “I saw it on the news! Where are you getting your information from, the Internet?”

I was at the gym training a client having him do Stiff-Arm Pulldowns when a muscular member said to him mid-set, “You have to lean forward.” Before judging the situation, you should get some context. Was the big guy a friend of ours? Was his tone arrogant? Did he ask first, “Is it alright if I offer a thought on your form?” and receive a, “Most definitely, fine sir!”? Was he another personal trainer who has been trying to steal my clients for years?

My client responded without missing a rep, “I’m working with him, thanks,” in a tone that was friendly but had a hint of, “Fuck off” to it. Mind you, I’m standing right next to the client with my black shirt with PERSONAL TRAINER in big white lettering on it.

Hearing this story, if your context includes recently going to a few New-Age expos and festivals, in between swallowing a mouthful of goji berries you might respond, “Brother, that was just your ego getting hurt. If the man had good information then you should have accepted it graciously.”

Let me add a little personal training context. I have been working with this client for about 7-months. I know what he’s capable of, what his limitations are, his special needs, what he likes and doesn’t like to do. I also know his dog is a chihuahua named Rotini. My client might have responded, “I actually have a fractured coccyx and can’t lean forward.” He could have said, “A thumbtack went through my big toe this morning and leaning forward makes me want to scream in pain.” He would be lying in either case but the point is, how can you give any advice if you don’t know the context surrounding the form?

Here’s the truth. I myself was thinking, “He’s standing a little too tall and even leaning back a little—but he’s not unsafe—and if I tell him now to adjust his form, it will probably just confuse him. So I’ll just let him finish six more repetitions, where he’ll get most of the benefit of the exercise, and then give him a demonstration of what I want, which is more of a hinging at the hips than leaning his whole body forward—because I know he is a visual learner and for 7-months training him, he always not only responds better but actually requests me to demonstrate the exercises for him.” After his set I demonstrated the form and his next set was so stellar that not even Muscles McGinty thought to chime in with advice.

While “Muscles” didn’t come off to me as sounding super cocky, I don’t know the context of his words which included not just his current surroundings but his past. Maybe he was insecure, always being looked at as if he were all brawn and no brains and, as a New-Ager might suggest, his ego needed to impress others with his “expertise” in order to bolster his low self-worth. Maybe he was a lonely guy and that was essentially his “pick-up” line to make new friends. I’m not saying either of these were the case but if he were insecure or wanting new friends, that would be a douchey thing to judge him for.

Let’s just say that “Muscles” had a good heart and just wanted to help a fellow iron pumper be more proficient in his training. I’m still wearing the Personal Trainer shirt, standing by the member’s side, obvious to anyone with an above 20/800 vision that I was working with this client. So, good intentions aside, he would be making me look like I didn’t know my job at my own workplace, which isn’t good for business. So it’s not always that someone doesn’t have the context but perhaps that their mouth censor is an incompetent DEI hire.

I once saw a guy working out with his girlfriend. My assessment from 30-seconds of looking at them and 30-years working in gyms was that she had never been to the gym and he was working her WAY too fucking hard at this state in her exercise experience. I could have come up with my fancy Personal Trainer shirt and said, “Hi, I’m a personal trainer here. Let me make a suggestion to you: lighten up every weight you’re giving her by 50%. Trust me, this is better than making her bedridden for tomorrow.” One might say, “You’re a personal trainer. That’s where you work. Of course you can do that!” I didn’t, because whether I could or not, it would be a dick move.

He was enjoying being the Alpha dog, the expert, the leader. If I swooped in and said, “There’s a new sheriff in town. Step aside Deputy Dummy,” he would lose face in front of his girlfriend and have a bad experience at the gym. Instead when I saw him a couple of days later alone I said, “Brother, was that your girlfriend you were working out the other day?” He said it was. I said, “Can I offer you one thought?” He said I could. “She seems new to the gym and exercise, and if you work her out super hard, she will be hurting the next day and never want to come back.” He smiled and told me that the next day her body was in a world of hurt. I told him, “At this stage, you want her to feel success and get her excited about coming back.” He thanked me.

I talked to him as a brother, not a pee-on. I waited to speak to him in a context where he wouldn’t feel put down or defensive in front of his girl. And this is the difference between me and “Muscles.” I don’t question he knows how to work his own body out in the gym. But being a weightlifter is different than being a teacher.

I took two workshops with a martial artist who had sixty years under his (black) belt in the martial arts and killed people with either his hands or knives, I believe in battle and not because he was psychotic. His communication was so bad that in the first 3-hour workshop I left taking home nothing from it, not any techniques, concepts or gift bag.

In the next 3-hour workshop I took with him, a couple of his students tried to translate his, “Punch leg, knock down” into “By attacking while stepping forward, the attacker’s leg is available to strike with your fist. After this, you can step behind him and grab him by the collar and yank him backwards to the ground.” I didn’t get much from the second workshop either, as I was in my New-Age phase and was like, “Couldn’t we just hug him and sing Kumbaya?”

If you see people as just objects to serve you, then it doesn’t matter if you tell the convenience store person, “Get me a fucking pack of cigarettes, bitch!” But if you see people as being a collection of body, mind, emotions, spirit, joys, fears, accomplishments, failures, dramas and traumas, then maybe you’ll start by asking her how her day is instead of barking orders for cancer sticks.

Maybe you’ll see that the Mormon family right behind you doesn’t really handle cursing too well and will now have to spend the rest of the day reading Doctrines & Covenants just to clear their souls so they will be able to get into Heaven. Incidentally, they used to not allow black people into Mormon Heaven because the “context” of the time was, “You need to get your ass outa here, nigger!” spoken in a non-chapelleian manner.

When you start to utilize context, you’ll develop your ears and eyes from hearing… to listening. You will take in more than just words and actions and consider the broader spectrum of the other’s personal historical context, known and unknown, as well as the needs and feelings of those around you. Then if you choose to say, “Get me a fucking pack of cigarettes, bitch!” it will be because the cashier is a female dog and you are requesting two packs of cigarettes that are copulating.

REFLECTION

The Sufi mystic Rumi offered Three Gates before you spoke.

Is it true?

Is it necessary?

Is it helpful?

For the next week, whenever you are ready to offer someone advice, judgment or demands, ask these three questions. You might also add

Is it kind?

For additional personal awareness, add:

What need of mine is being serving by saying this?

You might find that your mouth would better serve you and others by chewing more goji berries and speaking less nonsense that helps no one grow but your own ego.